


No Longer the Same

by DHSnow



Category: Hey Arnold!
Genre: F/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-07-28 07:27:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7630684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DHSnow/pseuds/DHSnow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Helga G. Pataki is a somewhat average, sixteen-year-old now, and she's sure that she's over Arnold.  No longer the bully, no longer obsessed, no longer the same.  Her life had become somewhat of a routine until she meets a girl at the library, and she's sure her life won't be the same after that either.  FTi is assumed for this story, but The Patakis is definitely not taking place.  TJM is only partially included, assuming the kids made it to San Lorenzo for their trip.  Mature for language and to be safe for later chapters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Why Do I Still Come?

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fan fiction (in any fandom), so I would greatly appreciate it if you could leave some constructive criticism! This first chapter is really to catch up on Helga and how she's been since San Lorenzo (which she won't talk about). She talks about Phoebe, Rhonda, and Gerald. Oh, and Arnold too a little, I guess. Hope you enjoy it!

Why do I still come?I, Helga G. Pataki, am sitting in the waiting room of Dr. Bliss’ office.  Yes, I still see my childhood therapist at sixteen but more out of habit than necessity.  Bob still pays for the sessions, begrudgingly of course, so I have no issue going.  I had shown up to the office forty-five minutes earlier than usual, not realizing softball practice had let out so unusually early.  Dr. Bliss had suggested I join the team to vent some of my anger in a healthier way when I returned from San Lorenzo…   _I wonder why._ Adamantly against it at first, I decided to give it a shot.  I mean, why the hell not?  I thought I wouldn’t make the team after trying out, but all those afternoons in Gerald Field had paid off after all.  I played throughout middle school and even made varsity at Hillwood High.

Since then, I’ve slowly lost my bully reputation.  I know, right?  Me?  I retained the tough tomboy attitude and personality though, to Phoebe’s disappointment.  I shelved the pink hair bow and pigtails for a bubblegum pink cap and ponytail, keeping the cap in my locker at school since it’s against dress code.  Otherwise, I’d wear it all the time.  I hate being blonde, personally.  Everyone automatically assumes I’m some ditzy, pea-brained future sorority girl. 

I wear a pink and white baseball tee with jeans now instead of a pink and white dress these days.  I own way too many baseball tees, but they are just _so comfy._ Pink Converse high tops are my sneaker of choice despite the fact that they wear down after a year or so and I have to buy a new pair _every_ year.  I wax and tweeze my brow, which is definitely a hassle.  _Rhonda_ says it looks so much better than before, and if she approves, I must be doing something right.  I don’t wear makeup unless Phoebe or Rhonda make me.  I would just sweat it off anyway.  With my bully reputation out of the way, I began to make more friends easily and old friends became closer, not without Phoebe’s help of course.  I even get along with the Princess herself now.

Phoebe is still pretty much the same, only changing her hairstyle and new glasses really.  She wears her hair longer and down now, letting her _hipster glasses_ as I call them keep her hair out of her face.  Still with the dark blue, oversized sweaters and jeans, her boyfriend wouldn’t have it any other way.  She’s Vice President of the Hillwood High student body as a sophomore, but I, as well as everyone else, know she could have been President if she ran.  She told me that the position should be saved for a junior or senior.  So, she’ll run next year when the current Prez says, ‘Sayonara.’ Her position doesn’t keep her from participating in the Mathematics, Chemistry, Physics, Biology, Spanish, French, German, Orchestra, or Book clubs, joining the Debate Team, or starting and leading the Japanese club.  She’s still a busybody, but I love her anyway.To no one’s surprise, Phoebe still makes straight A’s, and _certainly_ , she will keep up her grades when she starts AP classes next year.

We’re still best friends, the only difference being my rough exterior has, at best, been sanded.  Phoebe says it’s not as ‘sharp’, and I don’t really know what she means by that, so I just say ‘sanded’.She attends all of my softball games, somehow, and I make sure to attend a Debate or any other nerdy event Phoebe has, but don’t tell Phoebs I said that.

Rhonda and Nadine are still ‘BFFLs’, but Rhonda’s dropped some of her spoiled brat attitude a few years ago.  I’ll never forget it since it happened almost overnight.  Well, more like a week, really.

_One Monday in late November, we were still in the seventh grade, and Rhonda didn’t show.  Let’s be real.  I only remember, because Arnold didn’t show up either.  But Arnold had come back the next day, completely unlike himself, quiet and reserved, saying it was family stuff.  Rhonda hadn’t come back until that Thursday.  When she finally showed up to school, she wasn’t the same.  She refused to speak to anyone, even Nadine.  Arnold had even tried to talk to her, but Rhonda just kept staring out into space.  That’s when I had to get all sappy with her.  I couldn’t even take Arnold’s face when he walked away the next Monday, granted he wasn’t himself._

_I stayed in the classroom later that day while everyone else went to lunch.  Except Rhonda.  Phoebe tried staying behind…  Always the goody two-shoes, waiting for me.  But I gestured for her to go on without me.  She hesitated, probably not knowing what I would do, but she went anyway.  Not without raising an eyebrow at me first though…  Typical Phoebs._

_At that point, Rhonda and I weren’t at each other’s throats 24/7, but we didn’t go out of our way to speak either.  I just sat there like an idiot, knowing what I wanted to do, but unsure how to proceed…  ‘Think before acting’ had become my own personal mantra at that point, but that’s a story for a different day.  Losing patience quickly, I decided to do what old Helga would do and throw a paper wad at her, hitting her square in the back of the head.  Softball helped in that regard at least._

_I had hoped for any kind of reaction: yelling, scowling, whatever.  But no, Princess just sat there and took it like a champ.  The paper didn’t even phase her.  I slid down in my seat with a heavy sigh after that, not even realizing I had done it until my feet had propped up onto the shelf underneath the desk in front of me.  I palmed my face, realizing I had no idea what the hell I was doing.  This was_ Arnold’s _job, not mine._

_So, I started to think about what I would do if it were Phoebe sitting there.  I put those thoughts from my mind as soon as they crept in though…  Nadine had already tried bribing Rhonda with shopping, fashion magazines, anything Rhonda liked really.  Then, I started to think what Phoebe would do if I were sitting there._ Damn it _was the only thought I could muster before I got up and grabbed my stuff.  Standing in Rhonda’s periphery, I said, “Hey, Princess.”  Whether the spoiled brat heard me or not wasn’t helping my patience, because she ignored me anyway.  I raised my voice the next time.  “Princess!”  Still nothing.  I waved my hand in her face, hoping to wake her the hell up out of whatever self-pity party she decided to throw.  No response whatsoever._ What the hell? _I almost walked out of the room then and there.  Half of me didn’t want to continue down this path, and the other half didn’t want to wait around to see how long it would take before Rhonda came to on her own or when Arnold finally got his shit together.  Deciding I wanted to make_ progress _, for myself rather than for her, I decided to do something completely unprecedented._

_I sat in the desk next to her, still holding my stuff.  “Princess, I’m sure you’ve not gone deaf, so I’m just going to sit here and annoy the fuck out of you for a minute.”  Usually, she would have scolded me for my language, but she didn’t even turn around.  That’s when I heard her take a deeper breath.  I’m still not sure why, but even such a small reaction was all I needed to keep going.  I guess she thought I wouldn’t notice.  “Look, I’m awful at this kind of stuff, but Arnold’s off his game for whatever reason.  So, here it goes, and if you repeat any of what I’m about to tell you, I’ll bring Ol’ Betsy out of retirement.”  I took a deep breath myself before continuing.  I’m pretty sure I had started to shake, but I honestly couldn’t tell you if I really had.  I was too focused on trying to spit out my next sentence.  “Whatever it is going on upstairs or at home or whatever…  See?  I told you I’m bad at this…  Anyway…”  I shook my head quickly back and forth to try to stop my rambling, but it obviously didn’t help.  “If you want to go out and do anything this weekend to…  Not be around people, I’m game.  We could go shopping for that…  That Christmas party you have every year and pick me something out early so I don’t chicken out again last minute.  Or we could go see one of those cheesy chick flicks you and Nadine like so much…  Whatever, I’m rambling, but we could do whatever.  We don’t even have to talk.  I get like that sometimes…”_

_Princess still didn’t turn around or acknowledge that I, Helga G. Pataki, of all people had just said I would be willing to go_ shopping _with her.  I sighed heavily and shook my head.  I decided to get up and go to lunch, because I knew she wouldn’t answer me right away after that.  As I exited the room, I turned back around and said, “The offer stands, you know.  Just text me if you change your mind.”  I went out the door and added, “See you later, Rhonda.”_

_Lo and behold, Princess texted me that Thursday night asking if we could go shopping that Saturday and not talk.  I thought I would have regretted it, but I said yes anyway.  She had her driver pick me up, and we went to the mall in the next town over.  I wasn’t sure why when we went, but I realized later that either she didn’t want to be seen with me or she didn’t want to be seen shopping without Nadine.  Like I agreed though, I didn’t ask questions.  We barely even talked._

_We went through almost every store, and Princess handed me whatever dress she thought appropriate, fashionable, great for my complexion, you name it.  I hesitantly but nonetheless tried on_ every single dress _Princess handed me.  She only gave few worded answers to them in the first several stores like “too ugly”, “too short”, “too retro”, “not seasonal enough”, et cetera.  Eventually, I started to pose in a few that I thought were completely ridiculous when trying them on.  Princess even laughed a few times…  That’s when Rhonda started giving me longer responses.  She has wit for sure.  “You look like you’re getting married in Vegas.  At Christmastime.”  “This is a Christmas party.  Not a Bachelorette party.”_

_I’m not sure when, but I started to retort back.  “Are you sure?  We could always use another disco ball.”  “I don’t have the cleavage, but I’m sure I could fit something in here.”_

_We stayed at the mall until Princess finally loved the dress I tried on.  It wasn’t pink, but I liked it too.  It was actually a pale blue with sequins trailing through it towards the bottom like snowflakes._

_After the driver dropped me off at my house and I started to walk up the stoop, I stopped when I heard one of the car windows roll down.  I turned around to see Princess giving me a small smile.  “Thanks, Helga.”_

_I was going to walk away until I added, “We’re keeping this to ourselves, right?  I have a reputation to uphold.”_

_Rhonda gave me a full smile then.  “Mine too.”  She rolled up the window, and I walked up the stairs, finally allowing a smile to creep up on my own lips._

Princess wasn’t completely the same after that, but she was no longer being a spoiled brat.  Still spoiled, but she wasn’t snobbish about it anymore.  She did keep her title as Gossip Queen Extraordinaire though.  We’ve been friends ever since.  Rather…  We’ve been publicly civil to each other and even shop with Phoebe and Nadine every Saturday.  To this day, no one else knows how Rhonda snapped out of it.  Phoebe might, but I never outright told her anything.

Phoebe was now dating Gerald.  Big surprise _._ I had been taking Phoebe to Gerald’s basketball games when he joined the team in eighth grade.  Tall Hairboy _did_ get tall after all.Eventually, he asked Phoebe out to Rhonda’s _Start of the Summer_ party.  Naturally, how could Phoebe say no?They had practically done everything together since…  Including Arnold and me.  We are _not_ going to open up that can of worms right now before a session, Helga, old girl.

Still wearing a basketball jersey, sneakers, and jeans every day, I prefer his shorter haircut to the _classic_ look.  We’ve also grown closer as my… _edges_ became smoother.  I just laughed aloud to myself as I realized that’s why I keep coming, and I’m glad I do.

Has it really already been thirty minutes?  I guess I should stop reminiscing about the people I’ve grown closer to since we got back from San Lorenzo.  I should probably make some more friends…  But do I really?  It would probably make Phoebs happy, knowing that I have more friends than victims these days.  I started to chuckle, but suddenly, the door to Dr. Bliss’ office had opened and a girl about my age stepped out.

She’s got dorky, black glasses and a long braid in her black hair, hanging off of her right shoulder.  She’s about as tall as I am, 5’6” or 5’7”.  Nice complexion, almost fairer than mine if that’s even _possible._  Really though?  All black clothes?  She’s got a nice choice in shoes…  Our Chucks almost match to the letter except she has black and white high tops instead of pink.  I still don’t understand why girls wear skinny jeans, but to each their own I suppose.  She had on an oversized black tee, big enough to hang off of one shoulder and hide whatever figure or lack thereof she had, and a black messenger bag hanging over her left shoulder to match everything else she’s wearing.  Rhonda would probably be tearing her apart.  She’s definitely pretty, and she certainly has a lot of potential – Criminy, I’m turning into Princess.

She made eye contact with me before lowering her gaze to the floor and exiting the front door.  Weird, but whatever.  We’re all here for a reason.  Dr. Bliss came out to hand the secretary, who I keep forgetting is there, a file and grabbed another one in almost the same movement before she turned around.  She started to walk away before she saw me.

“Helga?” She looked at her watch.  “You’re early today.”

“Yeah, practice let out early.”  I wasn’t about to tell her _how_ early though.  I crossed my arms at the thought.  Did I really just sit here for thirty minutes sorting through memories?  I don’t usually do that…

Dr. Bliss just smiled at me.  “Want to go ahead and get started so we can finish early?”  She gestured with the folder towards the office door.

I shrugged, arms still crossed.  “Sure.”  Yeah, of course.  I’m supposed to be meeting Phoebe – I mean, Phoebe, Gerald, and Arnold – at Slausen’s after dinner, and if we finish early, I could hit up the library before I grab food somewhere along the way.

I followed her into the office and heard the Doc shut the door behind me as I sat down in the same chair I’ve been sitting in for the last seven years or so.  She sat in her armchair as she opened the folder in her hand and grabbed a pen.  “So, Helga.”  I looked up to see her still smiling.  “I haven’t seen you in about three months.  What’s new these days?” 


	2. What's New These Days?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've actually written like six chapters at once, so I'm just going to go ahead and post them all. If enough people seem to like them, I'll go ahead and write more as I have time. Please rate and review! It's my first fanfic, and any constructive criticism is much appreciated!

I followed her into the office and heard the Doc shut the door behind me as I sat down in the same chair I’ve been sitting in for the last seven years or so.  She sat in her armchair as she opened the folder in her hand and grabbed a pen.  “So, Helga.”  I looked up to see her still smiling.  “I haven’t seen you in about three months.  What’s new these days?”

I shrugged again.  I really need to stop doing that.  Rhonda says it’s not _eloquent._ But whatever.  I haven’t ever cared enough before.  “Not a lot.  Bob and Miriam still hardly speak, but they both come to see Olga and me every other weekend.  It doesn’t fit Olga’s ‘perfect family’ image, but it works out better this way I think.  Olga’s still dating that social worker from the hospital, Brett.  I think he’s good for her.

“We usually have dinner together after practice, but she and Brett have date nights on Thursdays, so I get ice cream with Phoebs.”  And Gerald.  And Arnold.  Dr. Bliss nodded as I continued.  “You already know most of that though.”

“And how is living with Olga?”  I felt myself smirk at the thought.  “Much better than before.  It’s getting better as we go along.  Once she realized perfection isn’t capable of everyone, things picked up pretty quickly.”

Dr. Bliss grinned at that.  “I’m glad you’re liking it.”

I crossed my arms again.  I don’t know why I do that either.  I just _do._ Old habits die hard, okay?  “Yeah, it took her three years, but she’s made it home.”

“And Phoebe’s still dating Gerald?  How’s that going?”  It’s all about subtext with her, isn’t it?  Dr. Bliss kept scratching in her notepad.

“Well.” I paused, trying to think of what exactly to say.  “They _are_ still dating, and they’ve been great actually.  They have their ups and downs like every couple, but hey, if they can’t make it work, I don’t believe anyone could.”

“Now, Helga, that’s a bit too high of an expectation to have.  They’re still teenagers after all.”  I merely sighed at her.  She _knows_ how I feel about relationships after all.  She knows me too well.  She continued on after that.  “Do you feel like Phoebe’s relationship with Gerald has started to affect your friendship with her in any way?”

“Well, yeah, it’s affected our friendship, but not _negatively._ ”  Apparently, that was exactly what she wanted to hear.  She _beamed_ at me.  “Phoebs and I are still best friends, and Gerald gets that.  It would be nice to get some more one-on-one girl time with her instead of just our Saturday night sleepovers, but I’m just glad she includes me in most of her day still.”

“Do you Rhonda, Nadine, and Phoebe still go shopping on Saturdays?”

I nodded as I rested my elbows on the armchair.  “Like clockwork.  I don’t know how the Princess manages it, but she somehow finds us all a new outfit we ‘just have to have’ every week.”  I looked down at the outfit I currently wore.  “It’s clear I never wear them.”

“And there’s still no tension between the two of you?”  Dr. Bliss was the only person I ever told about that little escapade of mine.  She’s my shrink.  Doctor-patient confidentiality and all that.  Otherwise, I plan to take that secret to the _grave._

I shook my head.  “None at all.”  My voice was so nonchalant about it that even _I’m_ surprised.

Dr. Bliss nodded.  She was skimming through past notes in my folder now.  There’s no way it couldn’t be mine.  “I must say, Helga, you’ve definitely grown over the years, but there is one thing I noticed you haven’t mentioned in about…”  She turned a page before finishing the sentence.  “About a year and a half or so.  Around the time you started high school, actually.”  She skimmed back a few pages, she looked up at me as she put her elbows on the table, pen in hand as she folded her fingers together.  For the first time all session, she was staring right into my soul.  I knew that she would want a straight answer to whatever the question was.  She hardly _ever_ looked at me that way unless she knew I would avoid the subject.

Before she even said a word, I knew exactly what she was going to ask about.  I still hoped and prayed she wouldn’t bring that up though.  “I noticed you haven’t mentioned Arnold in a while.  Any reason why?”

I can hear nine-year-old me now.  _Arnold.  The bane of my existence.  The torment of my soul._   “I extinguished that torch a while back, Doc.”

Dr. Bliss leaned back as she placed one knee over the other and her hands in her lap, pen still in intertwined fingers.  “Really?”  She had such skepticism in her voice, still starting into my soul, searching for whatever truth she hoped to find.

I felt my eyes roll as I sighed heavily.  “If nothing else, it’s no longer an unhealthy obsession.  In fact I’m not even sure what to call it.  I mean, yeah, we hang out all the time, and we’re somewhat close friends.  He’s always by Gerald’s side, and I’m always by Phoebe’s.  And Phoebe and Gerald are always together so, naturally, it was either get along and _well_ or continue to be _whatever_ we were: bully and victim, awkward friends, enemies, I really don’t know.

“Since we’re already talking about it – because I honestly don’t want to talk about it again anytime soon – yeah, he still makes my heart flutter every now and again and butterflies appear in my stomach once in a while, but it’s just so _rare_ these days that I think it’s more…”  What’s the word?   “Nostalgic than anything.”

Dr. Bliss nodded as she kept taking notes.  “And is that why you stopped writing poetry?”

I shrugged again.  Criminy, I need to learn to control my body language more.  Whatever, she’s my shrink; if I can’t be myself in front of her, and Phoebs of course, who else _can_ I be?  Why _did_ I stop writing poetry?  Oh, right.  “I think I lost my muse, my inspiration.”

“Can you name some of these ‘nostalgic’ moments?”  Still staring into my soul, I see.  I mean, I _was_ obsessed with the boy for what?  Wow, I can’t believe I actually have to think about this…  At least ten years?  Maybe a little more?  No, that’s not right…  It stopped being an obsession slowly after we got back from…  Whatever, it doesn’t matter now.

I chuckled as I started to think about what moments they were.  How stupid of me to still get excited by the little things.  Arnold is still _Arnold_ after all.  “Sure, Doc.”  I paused as I took a deep breath to consider which exact moments I mean.  They definitely don’t mean that much to me anymore since I’ve pretty much already forgotten about them…  Would Phoebe be proud?  How long _has_ it been since I’ve talked to her about Ice Cream?  I think it was before she and Gerald started to date actually.

Back to the present, Helga, criminy.  God, I hate that word…  I’ve eliminated it from my _spoken_ vocabulary.  Baby steps I guess.  Right, ‘nostalgic’ moments.  Hmm…  “When the four of us go to the movies, he and I sit next to each other while Phoebe and Gerald make out.”  I didn’t realize I had spit that out until I looked up to see Dr. Bliss grin.  “Like teenagers are want to do.”  She chuckled at that, and I shifted in my seat as I continued.  “It was awkward the first few times, but now, Arnold and I whisper to each other and make comments about the film.  We always sit in the back row, so no one usually hears us.  But sometimes, he makes me want to laugh really hard during a horror film or a serious moment in a chick flick, whatever.  Those moments make my heart flutter sometimes, and I really do mean seldom.”

I had to think of other times before I could continue.  I felt my brow furrow.  How is it so difficult to think?  “When we go to Rhonda’s parties, he’s almost always by my side, because Phoebe and Gerald are dancing or whatever.  We’re both just as awkward at those events, so we stick together.  Sometimes, we dance to pass the time, and I feel butterflies in my stomach sometimes.

“But we do that kind of stuff all the time.  It’s just rare for me to feel that anymore.”  I laughed at myself as I had a sudden realization.  “I’m pretty sure I’ve put him in the friend zone by now.”

Dr. Bliss chuckled.  “Apparently not completely.”  I sneered at that.  I’m making progress.  I’ll get there someday.  Not that I’m actively trying or anything, but it’s nice to know that I can grow.

I thought about it more, uncertain of what to say to that to be honest.  “True, I guess.”  Pretty sure those moments are the nine-year-old me trying to get out though.

Dr. Bliss still had a slight grin on her face, but she asked with all severity, “So, if Arnold started to date someone else, do you think it would bother you?”

I know that those words _should_ have made my heart sink, but they didn’t.  I hardly felt anything.  By my reaction, I guess the Doc already had my answer, but I replied anyway.  “I think of anything, it would only bother me in two regards:

“One, I would no longer have someone else to stick to at Rhonda’s parties.  I wouldn’t have anyone to really watch movies with anymore.  I would always be a third wheel to Phoebe and Gerald, so I’d probably stop hanging out with them so much.

“Two, knowing it would have killed me years ago, it might bother me purely out of nostalgia.”

She smiled at me, but I’m pretty sure there was sadness in her eyes.  And she’s right.  It is kind of sad, knowing that my time with Phoebe would probably get limited to Saturdays and Sunday mornings.  She would still come to my games, and I’d still attend her events.  But we all know that Gerald would be there too, and they’d get together after and do whatever like always.  I guess I could ask Rhonda, but she and Nadine are so tightknit that I’d _still_ feel like a third wheel.  There’s no way I’d ask any of the other gang.  I don’t feel comfortable enough around them on my own.  I almost always have Phoebe or Arnold there.

After a moment of silence, I guess Dr. Bliss assessing exactly what she should say next, she said, “Those are very mature words of you, Helga.  I’m sorry you feel that way, that you have no one else you feel remotely comfortable hanging out with on a regular basis.”  She leaned forward and onto her desk.  “If you’re comfortable trying it, I would recommend you try to hang out with some friends you already know.  You might be surprised if you just try it.  Maybe if you’re up for it, you could try making friends that don’t attend your school.  Find something that interests you enough, and find others that share those interests.”

I smiled at the thought.  Making friends has never been a strong suit of mine though.  Making _enemies_ , however, is.  “I _might_ try it, Doc, but no promises.”

Dr. Bliss smiled at that.  “That’s all I’m asking for right now: consideration.”   She scribbled in her notepad before she looked back up.  “I have to say, Helga, that I’m sorry you’ve lost your ‘inspiration’.  However, if you’re feelings for Arnold change, I’m glad to say you’re obviously aware enough of your own feelings to know what’s real and not…  Nostalgia.”

I’ve never really considered it before…  “Do you think my feelings will change?”

Dr. Bliss thought for a moment, her brow furrowing a little this time.  “They very well _could,_ but will?  I think that’s something only time can tell.”

I groaned inwardly.  Being _aware_ of my feelings sucks.  Not being able to convey them in the way _normal_ people do sucks even more.  We talked about more benign things like softball, my grades, et cetera after that.  My grades have gotten better, except for math.  I don’t have the heart to take Arnold up on his offer for math tutoring, because well, I’m not doing poorly.  I’m making a ‘B’ on my own, so why should I really care that much more about getting an ‘A’?  All of us are busy enough as it is.  I don’t mention any of that to Dr. Bliss though.

We ended the session about twenty minutes earlier than usual, which meant I was out thirty-five minutes early.  As I got up from the chair to tell Dr. Bliss goodbye, I stepped on a book in the floor hidden by the chair I sat in.  I didn’t even notice it before.  I picked it up and read the title, _A Midsummer Night’s Dream_ by William Shakespeare.

“Oh, she must have left that.”  Dr. Bliss noticed me pick up the book from the floor as she was making her way around the desk to leave.

“Your last patient?”  I knew better than to ask for names.  She nodded at me, and I looked at the book again for any indication of a name.  I knew I probably wouldn’t find one, but whatever.  I spoke too soon…  On the inside, on the back of the front cover, I see a Hillwood Public Library stamp.  I looked at the spine, which my left hand had covered until now.  Sure enough, there was a Library of Congress stack number on it.  I’ve been to the library enough to know the system…

Dr. Bliss sighed as she came to stand in front of me.  “I won’t get to see her for another week, and if that’s a library book, I’ll have to take it back for her.”

I took a deep breath.  “I was actually headed there.  I’ll take that back if you’d like.”  I looked up at her as I closed the book.  “That wouldn’t be against patient confidentiality, would it?”

Dr. Bliss thought for a moment.  “I don’t believe so.  They have their own privacy policy at the library, and if you don’t have _her_ card, I doubt they’d give out any private info.”  She smiled at me.  “If you could take it back, I would very much appreciate it, Helga.  Thank you.”

I just nodded at her as I grabbed my schoolbag and left the office.  I looked inside the book to see if a bookmark was there, and it was, sitting on the inside of…  The scene where Lysander was confessing his newfound love for Helena.  I smiled at that.  I hadn’t read this story in ages, but I put the bookmark right back inside and shut the book.  I started to think about _why_ I hadn’t read it in a while.  Of all the Shakespearean comedies she was reading, why the hell is it this one?  _Much Ado about Nothing_ is _much_ better.  Maybe she’s already read it though…  Or maybe she’s not versed in Shakespeare.  I heard myself snort at my own pun.  The Bard himself would be proud.


	3. Maybe She's Not Versed in Shakespeare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rate and Review please! I know that this chapter is a little short, but I'm posting three more chapters before I have to write more. I hope you enjoy it!

As I opened the door to enter the library, I saw the same girl at the front desk.  I approached her to give her the book back.  No point in turning it in if she’s here.  As I got closer, I could hear the girl and the librarian’s hushed voices.  “I’m sorry, but no one’s turned it in yet.  Did you look everywhere?”

The girl sighed.  “I checked everywhere I had it out…”  I saw her face from the side as realization sunk in for the brunette.  She groaned, probably realizing she left it in Dr. Bliss’ office.

I interrupted at that point.  “Excuse me.  I think you dropped this…  Earlier.”  Not wanting to reveal where for the sake of my own reputation, I wasn’t sure what else to say.  The girl was alarmed at first and looked like a deer in the headlights at me and then her gaze went to the book.

“Oh, thank you.”  She took the book gingerly and made sure her bookmark was still in the same place.  She gave me a small smile and turned back to the librarian.  “Thank you for your time.”

The librarian smiled at her.  “I’m glad someone came to return it, but anytime, Nikki.”  Nikki, interesting name, given her attire.

I wasn’t sure of what else to do, so I held out my hand and said, “Nice to meet you, Nikki.  I’m Helga.”

Nikki just looked absolutely flabbergasted.  She took my hand warily, shook it gently, and said, “Pleasure.  Interesting name by the way.”

I snorted.  “Not by choice.”  Nikki looked back at the librarian as she put the book in her messenger bag and wrapped both hands around the straps in nervousness.

She took a moment before saying, “I know the feeling.”

We both just kind of stood there awkwardly.  Any other time and I would have probably walked off, but Dr. Bliss just finished telling me to get out of my comfort zone…  “So, Shakespeare, huh?”

Nikki gave a shy smile as she looked at the ground before looking back up at me.  “Yeah, I really enjoy the Middle English and Shakespearean humor.”  A girl after my own heart.

I crossed my arms as I said, “ _Much Ado about Nothing_ is much better.”

Nikki gave a real smile at that.  Her hands were still wrapped around her bag, but she loosened them up a little.  I’ve been a bully for far too long to know when tension is high.  “Beatrice _is_ a character.”  I smiled genuinely that time.  Phoebe always said Beatrice embodies my personality perfectly, or at least the parts she sees more than anyone else.  Nikki continued.  “But you have to admit that the complete irony behind _A Midsummer Night’s Dream_ makes it a specialty all its own.”

I nodded as I looked around, noticing that the librarian was listening intently with a huge smile on her face.  I looked back towards Nikki.  “If we’re going to discuss Shakespeare, let’s not do it at the library desk.”  I saw Nikki’s eyes shift to the door.  “Unless you have to be somewhere?”  Do I really want to discuss Shakespeare that badly?  Maybe she knows poetry too...  I’m probably getting my hopes up.

Nikki shook her head slowly.  “Not right now.”

I walked by her as I went for my usual corner.  “Alright, then come on.”  I gestured for Nikki to follow me.  I sat at a four person table off to itself in a nook of the library most people didn’t venture: classic literature.  Nikki watched as I sat down, clearly trying to figure out which seat to take.  Maybe she has anxiety?  As soon as the thought entered my mind, she sat in the seat across from me.

Not only does the girl enjoy classic literature and poetry as well as Shakespeare, but she was able to keep up with my critiques, analyses, et cetera of them.  Phoebe is usually the only one who can, but she doesn’t read nearly as much as I do.  Well, she doesn’t read as much _recreationally_ as I do.  She’s too busy studying and preparing for college entrance exams.  Before I realize it, an hour or so passes by, and I’m already going to be late to meet Phoebe… And Gerald and Arnold, even if I run.

We said our goodbyes and parted ways but not before I gave her my phone number so we could talk literature again sometime.  Phoebe and Dr. Bliss would be so proud.  Even though she’s shy and a little reserved, I kind of feel like she would be me if I weren’t … Me.  By that, I mean if I weren’t a tough tomboy with a bully past.

Nikki walked in the opposite direction from me after we left the library, but I’m glad to have made a new acquaintance, if not friend.  She’s not actually that weird after all.  Definitely shy.  Once we started talking though, I could tell she isn’t very socially awkward once a good conversation starts.

I _finally_ made it to Slausen’s, but when I looked at the time, I wasn’t even five minutes late.  Right on cue.  Tall Hairboy and Football Head are here.  I made my way to the booth Phoebe, Gerald, and Arnold are sitting at, taking place next to Arnold like always.  I felt myself sneer as I look across the table and see the happy couple snuggled together.

I turned to see Arnold smiling at me.  I really don’t know how he keeps a smile on his face for so _long._ I figure it must be exhausting, but that’s his personality.  It’s probably exhausting for _him_ to have to be assertive.  Can he even be assertive?  Eh, not my problem.  Okay, so maybe it could be my problem someday.  It’s not my problem right now.  “Hi, Helga.”

I took a deep breath.  Apparently, my mind has a thousand thoughts a second.  Then again, I did _run_ here.  “Hi, Arnold.  Hey, Phoebs, Geraldo.”

“Hello, Helga.”  Phoebe said with that unmistakable ‘I’m with Gerald’ smile.  I made a bet with myself intrinsically that smile would fade after six months.  Clearly, I was wrong.  How do you think I stopped saying ‘Criminy’?

Gerald had the same stupid grin to match.  “What’s up, Helga?”  I know he probably doesn’t _really_ care, but who knows?  We’ve been hanging out together for about two years, granted Phoebs is always there.  I do what I always do: take it as a greeting rather than an actual question.  Like usual, he and Phoebe don’t even notice I didn’t reply.  They just go right back to whatever it was they were talking about earlier.  Probably mushy stuff.  I may be a romantic at heart, but I can’t take it all the time.  _Especially_ from them.  It’s like they go over the top, even though they don’t mean to.  I don’t even think they realize it.

I took another deep breath as I look around the shop and back to Arnold.  He leaned over to me just as I started to look his way, whispering, “You’re late.”  He smiled at me still.

“Hey, I still have to torture you every now and again.”  I looked at the two across from us.  “They waste no time with the googly eyes.”

That boy must have great facial muscles, because he is _still_ smiling.  How does he do it?  He shook his head as he said, “None at all.”  He looked to see if they were paying attention before he turned back around and asked, “So, where do you go after practice, Helga.  You’re almost always _late_.”

I groaned as I rolled my eyes.  He _always_ asks, and I always avoid the question.  I don’t care enough to come up with anything wittier than “None of your business, bucko.”

He shrugged, a habit he’s picked up from me probably.  “Whatever you say, Helga.”

I took yet _another_ deep breath as I raised myself up from the booth.  “I say I need chocolate ice cream.  Stat.”  Arnold shook his head in defeat, and I got up to get my ice cream.  I wonder if I’ll ever see Nikki again.  Probably not worth wasting my breath to Phoebe and these two goofballs about it though.  Nothing will probably come out of it.


	4. Nothing Will Probably Come of It.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, guys, two more chapters to post! Please rate and review! It's my first fanfic, so any constructive criticism is appreciated.

After practice and before dinner, I go to the library for an hour or two to be alone, completely and _quietly_.  I usually just read or reread poetry or classic literature, but I’m always up for trying new things that may or may not fit my taste.  Naturally, anything about unrequited love is _not_ fitting to my taste.  The next day, I received a text from Nikki before school asking if I’d be at the library later.  I certainly didn’t expect for her to get back to me so quickly, let alone at all really.  I excitedly texted her back saying I would, at what time, and that Nikki was welcome to join me.  The _excited_ part I kept to myself all day.  Definitely harder to do than I thought.

We started to make our meetings a regular thing after that.  With softball, Olga, Phoebe, and schoolwork, I wasn’t sure how well I could make it work, but Nikki’s apparently just as busy as I am.  So, we meet on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays.  I’m just really happy to have someone that understands my points on most literature and argue with me and _well_ on others.  We never talked about our lives outside books, and I think we both silently agreed we preferred to avoid the subject for as long as possible.  Totally understandable, considering we both see Dr. Bliss.

We text almost all the time except when I’m at school or with Phoebe, of course.  Nikki was completely okay with that.  Yeah, sure, she doesn’t really have a reason not to be, but it’s nice knowing she doesn’t mind if I text her back to continue the same conversation hours later or even the next morning.  We pick up right where we left off, and for some reason, I like that.

Nikki recommended new things to me, like Jane Austen.  Personally, I always gagged at the prospect of reading early 19th century versions of a soap opera, but I read Shakespeare and like it.  I can’t really knock it until I try it.  She told me to read _Pride and Prejudice_ first.  ‘Mr. Darcy is probably my main heartthrob.  One thing I like about the story is that you really never know if he’s just shy or if he’s really just that proud.’  I can relate.

I recommended a few things to her, first of them being _Crime and Punishment_.  I know, I’m only sixteen.  How can I possibly read something that deep?  Well, to each their own.  Anyway, it took some convincing, but I got her to at least _try_ to read it.  ‘It’s a classic horror story: murder, ghosts, nightmares…  It even has some Gothic elements in it.  If you like Poe, I’m sure you’ll like it.’  We never really discussed Poe at this point, but I figured she had to at least like Poe a _little._

The thing I like the most about meeting up with her though is that we will probably talk for about fifteen or twenty minutes and go into reading whatever it is we’re working on.  We don’t feel the need to fill the silence…  And I love that.  Sure, I mean, I’m accustomed to that with Phoebe, but we don’t spend enough time together to have moments like this anymore.  We’re too busy catching up on the week with her events and clubs, homework, and my softball.  We, Nikki and I, both enjoy the company and silence.  It’s become common enough to meet that we started to text each other when we weren’t going to show rather than if we were going at all.

It’s been a month and a half, and May’s coming to an end.  Softball season already ended, and no, we didn’t make it to the post-season.  School’s about to let out, too, and Rhonda’s party will be the first day of summer, like every year.  I don’t have a date, like usual, but I’ll _probably_ have Arnold to keep me from embarrassing myself too much. 

Yet, I’m getting too curious.  I want to know more about her, how much else we have in common.  So, I asked her if we could meet at the coffee shop around the corner today instead.  We already have our books checked out anyway.  I figure, if anything else, we could grab some coffee and read.  She agreed, but I could tell by her short reply of ‘Yeah, sure’ with _no_ punctuation or continuation of the conversation that she’s hesitant.  Believe me, as soon as I realized it, I almost dropped my jaw to the floor.  We probably text _way_ too much if I can already tell her habits.

I waited for Nikki at the coffee shop outside the front door.  When she arrived, she looked as hesitant and nervous as the day we met in the library.  She noticed me, and I realized she slightly relaxed at the sight of me.  I smiled at her as she approached.  “Hey, Nikki.”

She looked into the windows of the coffee shop.  “Hi, Helga.”

I opened the door and entered, Nikki following close behind me.  “Helga!”

I groaned, forgetting that _Sid_ worked here.  “Hi, Sid.”  I continued to walk to the counter, looking at Nikki in my periphery.

“What’ll you have?” He leaned against the counter as he looked towards Nikki.  He smiled at her, a genuine smile, but knowing Sid, it’s probably his version of flirting.  The dork.

“Well, I’ll have a black raspberry iced tea.”  I paid for my drink and waited for Sid to make it, standing by Nikki all the while.

He handed me the tea and turned to Nikki.  “And you, beautiful?”  Yep, definitely his version of flirting.  I wasn’t sure if I wanted to laugh or groan.

I honestly didn’t expect Nikki to react the way she did.  Nikki just raised her eyebrows with a thin smile as she said, “Props for the confidence, but the delivery lacked originality and finesse.”  Sid’s face went absolutely red at that.  Her response is probably the best one I’ve heard so far.  Rejection, but she didn’t laugh at him.  I saw something in his eyes after that.  I honestly can’t tell you what, but it wasn’t what I’m used to seeing there.  Like he’s embarrassed but… excited?  I don’t know.  I’m only aware of my _own_ feelings.

Nikki just looked between the both of us after that, Sid with his mouth agape and cheeks fully flushed and me with my jaw probably hitting the floor.  She nodded her head as she said, “So…  About that coffee.”  Sid shook his head to snap out of it.  I recovered, but I was staring at her, skeptical of whether I knew the girl in front of me at all.  “I’ll have a skinny soy vanilla iced latte, please.”

Sid just looked back and forth between us, confused.  “I’m sorry…  We don’t really have anything that elaborate here.”

Nikki gave him an awkward smile.  “That’s fine.  Just an unsweetened iced coffee please.”

Sid blinked at her and rang the order into the cash register.  “Coming right up.”  Nikki paid for her drink in cash and waited as Sid ran his hand across the back of his neck.  After she got her drink, we sat down at a table in the back.

Still shocked, I whispered, “What was that?”

Nikki raised an eyebrow at me as she took a sip of her drink.  Obviously pleased with it, she put the drink back on the table.  “What was what?”

I gestured with both hands towards the counter, trying to keep my voice low so Sid won’t hear.  “That!”

Nikki chuckled at my expression.  “I didn’t know they wouldn’t have soy here, Helga.  I’m sorry.”

I shook my head and blinked at her, trying to think what the hell she was talking about.  “No, I meant the way you brushed off Sid.”

Nikki nodded.  “Oh.”  She shrugged.  “Is that so unusual?”  She sipped on her drink like nothing strange happened.

My mouth was still hanging open like an idiot at this point.  Frustrated, I closed my eyes and mouth as I pinched my nose.  I don’t think she understands how _unexpected_ that was coming from _shy_ Nikki.  I opened my mouth as I put my palms together and leaned against the table.  “It was just completely unprecedented coming from you.”

Nikki put one knee over the other as she thought about it, brow furrowed.  She looked back up at me and shrugged.  “I suppose.  I guess I haven’t been the most outgoing person around you.”

I felt my eyes squint at that reply.  “But I thought you were shy.”

Nikki snorted.  “To be sure.”

I felt my hands gesture between her and Sid like an idiot.  “Then what the hell was that?”

Nikki was giggling now, probably laughing at the face I was making and the hand motions I made.  “I’ve brushed off enough guys to know you have to do it with confidence.  Otherwise, they won’t get the hint.”

I guess that’s not really surprising.  She’s definitely conventionally attractive.  I wonder how much more attractive she is when she’s not wearing all black, dorky glasses, and her hair in a braid.  I leaned back in my chair as I crossed my arms and put one knee over the other.  “I’m impressed.”

Nikki looked confused now.  “I’m sorry?”

I nodded as I sipped on my tea.  “Your response was almost perfect, in my opinion.” 

Nikki shrugged.  It’s clear she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.  “Do you come here a lot?”  She didn’t sound so surprised.

“Eh, sometimes, but not often enough to remember that _Sid_ works here.”  I don’t know why I keep forgetting, honestly.  Hardly anyone _ever_ comes in here.  The usual people, I guess?  I tried not to laugh, because I realized most of the people in here were hipsters, wearing glasses, beanies, and all.

Nikki grinned as she nodded.  “Then how do you know him?”

I snorted.  “We’ve been attending the same school since kindergarten.”  Nikki was trying not to smile at that.  She looked back at Sid, who decided to all of a sudden clean the same portion of counter space five times over while staring our way.  As soon as Nikki turned his way, he turned to look at the other side of the counter, but not before I caught a glimpse of red upon his cheeks.  She turned back around and sipped her coffee through the straw, shaking her head and raising her brow.  “He’s a bit strange.”

I couldn’t help but smile now.  “You have no idea.”  I sipped on my tea as I started to think more about it.  Looking at Sid, I forgot how much he’s really changed since elementary school.  He started wearing glasses in middle school and grew into his nose around the same time, but a green beanie now sat atop his head instead of his backwards cap he grew out of.  He almost always wore a black tee these days with some kind of pop culture reference on them.  Today, he decided on _The Goonies_ emblem in white on the front with some dark washed blue jeans to match.  He doesn’t wear the white boots anymore, but he still does wear all white sneakers.  Even though he almost never went without the beanie out of school, he had to shelve it into his locker every day.  He doesn’t have the greasy hair anymore but instead a side swept undercut.  I think that’s what Rhonda called it.  Yep, he’s definitely a hipster.

He got emancipated shortly after he turned sixteen last November.  I know he hasn’t gotten along with his parents in quite some time, and he’s been staying with Stinky and his parents ever since.   He’s been working at the coffee shop since last summer, probably saving up money so he could move out.  He’s on the school newspaper, of course, and still has an overwhelming interest in investigative journalism.  He’s gotten over most of his paranoia, lack of social boundaries, and other quirks as the years have gone by.  He’s no longer as nosy, and thank God for that.

He and Stinky are still best friends, but with the coffee shop, newspaper, Stinky’s job at Miss Vitello’s flower shop, and Stinky’s gardening habits, they didn’t have time for much except on weekends.  I guess you could say that Sid is cute…  If you didn’t know him as a kid.

“Helga?”  Nikki was waving her hand in front of my face now.  “You’re off in La-la land.”

I shook myself out of my reverie.  “Sorry, just thinking.”

Nikki chuckled.  She looked around at the coffee shop and sighed.  She looked back at me as she took another sip of her drink.  Her brow furrowed as she asked with a serious tone, “So what _are_ we doing here instead of the library?”

I looked down at my tea as I shrugged, realizing that maybe keeping our lives outside of this friendship might be for the best.  She’s been the first person other than Phoebe and Dr. Bliss I feel like I can be myself around, and I think that’s because she has no clue of my reputation.  I have no reason to uphold it in front of her.  I know Sid can’t really hear us all the way over here, but part of me is paranoid about it now.

I regained my nerve after I thought about how dumb of an idea it was to bring her here, hoping.  “I don’t know.  I thought we could talk about something other than books for a change.  You seem nice and intelligent.  Kind of shy, too, but I wanted to know more about you.”  I almost groaned at myself for letting it sound too mushy, but that shouldn’t matter to her. 


	5. That Shouldn't Matter to Her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please Rate and Review! It's my first fanfic so any constructive criticism is appreciated. I really hope you guys like it so far! I really don't know how long this story will be...

I regained my nerve after I thought about how dumb of an idea it was to bring her here, hoping.  “I don’t know.  I thought we could talk about something other than books for a change.  You seem nice and intelligent.  Kind of shy, too, but I wanted to know more about you.”  I almost groaned at myself for letting it sound too mushy, but that shouldn’t matter to her.

Apparently, it didn’t.  I don’t even think she noticed how sappy that is for _me._ She looked around the shop, clearly unsure of what to say.  She looked back at me and nodded slightly.  “Okay.”

I tried to keep myself from smiling, but I allowed myself to anyway.  I nodded, probably grinning like an idiot.  “Okay.”  How do I even start this conversation?  They’ve always come so naturally before, but now that we’re not talking about literature, will it be that easy?  “So, where do you go to school?”  Simple enough.

Nikki bit back a smile before saying, “I’m actually being homeschooled.  I’m hoping to go back to my private school in the fall.”

Private school?  “Wow.”  What do you even say to that?  “That’s not what I really expected.”

Nikki’s jaw dropped and by the look on her face, she wasn’t offended.  Just shocked.  “And why does that surprise you?”

I had to actually think about it.  I crossed my arms as I said, “You’re not enough of a snob.”

She was smiling still.  “Thanks, I guess.”  She took a sip of her coffee.  How the hell can she drink it black?  “What about you?”

“Oh, um, I go to Hillwood High.  I actually play on the softball team.”  I gave her a shy smile.

Nikki beamed at that.  “That’s cool!”  She looked around awkwardly, clearly straining to find something else to say.  “What year are you?”

“I’m a sophomore this year.  I turned sixteen in March though.”  She dreaded having to tell her the driver’s license story if she asked.

Thank God she didn’t.  She grinned instead.  “I turn sixteen next month.”

“Really?  What day?”  I’ll have to remember to tell her Happy Birthday.  Should I get her a present?

“The twenty-eighth,” Nikki replied hesitantly.  “I don’t really like celebrating it though.  It’s not really special anymore.”

“What?  Why?  You’re gonna be sweet sixteen!  There’s gonna be _so_ much to look forward to: your driver’s test, your first car…”

Nikki’s smile slanted.  “Not really.”

I know from that tone not to pry any further.  “Do you play any sports?”

Nikki smiled as she looked down at the table, finishing her drink.  “Only if ballet counts, but I kind of quit doing that.”

I leaned back in my chair and scowled, unsure why myself.  “I used to do ballet.”  I still hate to admit it, but sometimes, I really miss it.

I could feel the skepticism pouring from Nikki’s body language.  Can people do that?  “Really?”  I nodded.  “Sorry, it’s just that – ”

“I’m a tomboy, I know.”  Nikki chuckled at that, and I stopped scowling.  “I miss it sometimes, but I feel like softball is more my game.”  She nodded, smiling at me.  I took that moment to look behind Nikki to see Sid _still_ staring our way.  At Nikki, of course.

Nikki brought me back to the conversation though.  “Are you involved in any other clubs or teams?”

I shook my head.  “That’s Phoebe’s forte.”

Nikki’s head went to the side a little.  “Phoebe?”

I nodded.  “She’s my best friend.”  Nikki beamed at that for some reason.  “She does _everything_.  It would probably take me an hour just to tell you all about it probably.”

Nikki tried not to laugh, giggling instead.  “Is she like you?  Sarcasm and all?”

I let out a loud laugh.  “Not at all.  She’s a shy, quiet type until you get to know her.”  I looked around and leaned towards Nikki, who leaned closer, too.  “Between us, she prefers math and science, too.”  Nikki shook her head sarcastically.  How can I tell that just by one head movement and a look on her face?  Am I getting better at reading people or is she just an open book?  Maybe I’ll figure it out someday.  “What about you?  Do you have a bestie?”

Nikki sighed heavily at that.  “Once upon a time, I had three.  Well, one really close, and two not far behind.”

I was taken aback by that.  “What happened?”

Nikki crossed her arms as she looked down at the table again, staring off into space.  She shrugged when she replied.  “One is…  No longer with us, and the others I pushed away after that.”

“Oh.”  What do you even say to that?  “Do you… still talk to the others?”  Nikki shook her head, not adding any more.  I nodded in the silence.  I meant to keep the next thought in my head, but it came out in a whisper.   “Is that why you see Dr. Bliss?”  Her eyes shot up at me, but she made no other movement.  “You’re right.  It’s not my place to ask.”

She stared out the window to her right after that.  “It’s not.”  After a minute or two in silence, she continued.  “I started seeing her for grief counseling.  I keep going for –,” putting her hands up to make air quotation marks as she rolled her eyes, “my ‘clear dissociation from friends and family and lack of interest in things I once _lived_ for’.”

I just blinked.  “Is that true?”

Nikki placed her palm on her jawline, leaning her elbow on the table.  Her voice could barely be heard.  “Yes.”

My instant reaction was insensitive, I realize that, but the word was out of my mouth before I could even consider my thoughts.  “Why?”

Nikki looked up at me, eyebrows raised and jaw dropped.  The look in her eyes displayed hurt plain and clear.  “ _Why?_ ”

I sighed heavily as I palmed my face.  “Sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”  Her face scrunched in thought…  No, in anger.  “How long ago was…  Did your friend pass?”

Nikki still stared at me with her arms crossed, hands holding her elbows now.  “About three and a half years ago.”

I nodded, uncertain of how to reply.  I’m not a psychiatrist, you know.  We sat in silence for what felt like ages but was actually less than two minutes.  However, the longer we sat in silence, the more I thought about it, and the angrier I became myself.  I finally said, “And you just don’t care to go back to how things were before?”

She just looked at me, dumbstruck.  “What?”

“Well, I mean…  Yeah, things won’t go back to the way things were before…  But do you just not want to do ballet anymore or what you used to?  Do you just not want to talk to your other friends now?”  I could feel my voice wanting to raise, but I stopped myself.  I can’t tell you where these words were coming from.  I never knew the pain of losing a friend.  What right did I have to be telling her this?

And then it hit me almost instantly: I may not have ever lost a friend, but I lost myself.  We won’t get into it right now.  I stopped writing poetry, because I honestly don’t really want to anymore.  I have no reason to, no hidden feelings that need to be poured out like a river about to break a dam.  I quit doing ballet, but it was never something I was passionate about.  I never quit hanging out with Phoebe, and I never quit hanging out with the gang.

After San Lorenzo, I lost myself, and rather than lose myself completely, I decided to become the person _I_ wanted to be.  Losing my bully reputation, venting my anger through softball, and getting closer to the rest of the gang by being the kind of friend I wanted to be has helped me find the person I’ve wanted to be.  I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose a friend, but I know what it’s like to lose myself.  I’m staring at a girl right in front of me who’s lost herself, and it doesn’t look like she knows how to get out.

Nikki _finally_ answered me after a minute or so, but I had my resolve.  She stuttered, “Well, no but –”

“And did you give up on other things and stop talking to other people, too?”  I thought about doing that so many times.

Nikki just stared at me as she said, “Yes.”

I felt enough anger after to explode, but thankfully, I didn’t.  I could feel heat rising in my face a little.  “Do you think your friend – that passed – would want you to just drop your interests?  Your friends and family?”

Nikki was the first of us to yell after that.  “No!”  She must have realized how loud she became and pinched her nose as she breathed deeply, closing her eyes.  She looked back up at me after she calmed down.  “It’s not that simple.”

I snorted at that.  “Of course it’s that simple!”  I noticed Nikki gritting her teeth behind her lips.  “You can’t drop everything just because your friend died.”  I thought for a brief moment how devastated I would be if Phoebe died.  Would I be able to say those things if I had lost Phoebe instead of myself?  Phoebe would never forgive me if I went back to bullying, quit softball, and just dropped my other friends flat.  I pushed those thoughts from my mind as I looked at the brunette before me.

“Grief is natural, and taking time is expected.  Dropping _everything_ is the last thing anyone should do.”  I finished my rant and took a deep breath as Nikki stared in silence.  I could see how angry, hurt, vulnerable, and heartbroken she looked through her grey eyes.  Just like a storm cloud.  There’s definitely more anger there than anything.  Her body had stayed unmoved.

She stood up after that and calmly gathered her things.  As she grabbed her coffee to throw it away, she said, almost shakily, “I’ll see you around, Helga.  You’re already late for your ice cream night.”  She didn’t even look at Sid, who waved at her to say goodbye, or me as she pulled out her phone and started to dial a phone number, walking out the door and in the same direction as always.

I just sat there, a mixture of anger, confusion, and sadness flowing over me.  After I realized Nikki said I would be late, I grabbed my stuff, told Sid goodbye, and ran down the street to Slausen’s.  Poor Sid looked kind of heartbroken when I left, but I’ll ask him about it another time.  By the time I got to Slausen’s, I realized I still had tea in my hands, unfinished and ice melted.  I threw it away before I walked in.  I don’t want the two goofballs to know of one of my favorite quiet places, although I’m sure Sid has mentioned it to them sometime.

I hardly heard the group’s usual greetings as I sat down, staring at the table as that scene with Nikki just played in my head over and over again until I got a headache.  After Arnold started waving his hand in my face, I shook myself out of the shock.  Feeling overwhelmed, I realized I probably just lost a friend as easily as I gained her friendship.  I decided to act like nothing happened at all.  I never told any of them about Nikki anyway.


	6. Act Like Nothing Happened at All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is really short, but I hope to have another one up soon if enough people like the story so far! Please comment any constructive criticism you have. Believe me, it's appreciated. I hope you like it so far!

Even though I decided to act like nothing happened, I couldn’t quit thinking about it.  She never even asked me why I visit Dr. Bliss.  “Helga?”  Arnold was walking me home as usual even though I made it clear to him that he didn’t have to.  That _and_ we always have to pass the _Sunset Arms_ along the way.

Why did I say those things to her?  It wasn’t my place…  I can’t believe I just let her leave that way.  I hope she made it home okay.  I’ll text her when I get home.

“Helga?”  Arnold had stood in front of me now to make me stop walking.

“What is it, Football Head?”  I looked around at where we were.  We had already passed the _Sunset Arms_ and were almost to my house.  I hadn’t even noticed.

“Are you okay?  You’ve been really distracted…”  Arnold looked at me with a smile and scrunched brow.  Had he given me that smile six years ago, I would have melted on the spot.  And yet, I didn’t feel a thing.

I sighed.  “Nothing to concern yourself with, bucko.  Just some personal stuff.”

He nodded and went to stand next to her again as they started walking.  I noticed he put his hands in his pockets.  “Oh, okay.”  I could swear he sounded almost… disappointed.

I patted him on the shoulder as we kept going.  We walked in silence the rest of the way, but before I started to go up the stoop, Arnold spoke.  “You know you can talk to me about anything, right Helga?”

I chuckled and shook my head.  “Always the Golden Boy.”

Arnold rolled his eyes as he sighed.  “I’m serious, Helga.”

I sighed again.  “I know, Arnold.  It’s not something I want to talk about right now.  Maybe some other time.”  I’m not usually so honest about it, but I really don’t have the energy to actively avoid the question.  As soon as I saw him start to smile, I pointed my finger in his face and repeated, “ _Maybe_.”

I realized in that moment that he had grown an inch or two taller than me.  When did that happen?  Why did I never stop to notice?  He kept smiling.  “Whatever you say, Helga.”

I rolled my eyes as I started to go up the stairs, grabbing my keys from my backpack.  I heard Arnold behind me on the sidewalk.  “See you, Helga.”

I didn’t even bother to turn around.  “Later, Arnoldo.”

As soon as I entered my room, I grabbed my phone from my pocket and threw my backpack on the bed.  I sent a text to Nikki asking if she made it home okay.  I considered apologizing, but I don’t really regret anything I said, only the delivery of it and how I let Nikki leave.  She probably needed to hear it.

A few minutes later, I received a reply.  “Yes, thank you.”  I knew then not to text back.  She probably only sent it to be remotely polite.  Whatever, she’s being selfish for shutting everyone out.

I had a hard time falling asleep, wondering why Nikki chose _me_ of all people to befriend.  After trying for a couple of hours, I got up, opened up a journal I had for school, and started pouring out my heart and soul like I used to.  


	7. I Don't Really Regret Anything I Said.

I kept texting her asking if we were still meeting up or if we could just talk, but Nikki never answered.  That’s to be expected, probably.  I _did_ blow up in her face.  It could have been worse, I guess.

 

One week went by, then two.  School had even ended, and I still never heard from Nikki.  I still tried texting, but it had gotten to the point where I don’t hold my breath anymore.  I’m devastated, yeah, because I was _myself_ around her.  But I realized this isn’t a matter of her not liking me for me, it’s a matter of me screwing it up.  Maybe she’ll forgive me, someday.  I usually wouldn’t care so much, but we just clicked.  I think Dr. Bliss was right when she said I should try to make more friends, but should I give up on this one?

 

After three weeks, I finally received a text, and I hadn’t even texted Nikki today.  Phoebe, Rhonda, Nadine, and I have been shopping all day at the mall, like usual.  I was trying on a dress Rhonda had picked out for me when I received, “Sorry, Helga.  I’ve been busy.  I’ll let you know when I have time to meet up.”  At that point, I thought it was more of an excuse, and I wasn’t even going to bother replying.  Not even five minutes later, I received another saying, “I didn’t have the heart to text you before, and I’m sorry.”  I was trying to think of how to reply to that when she sent me a pic.

I felt a huge smile creep upon my lips.  I’m so glad Phoebe and Rhonda can’t see it right now.  I’d never hear the end of it.  Nikki sent me a mirror selfie of her in a black leotard with nude ballet slippers on while having one leg perched on the bar.  She gave a shy smile in the pic, obviously not used to selfies.  That’s the same smile I give in mine to Phoebs and Rhonda.  I received another text with it, “I rejoined my old dance company.”

That was the first time I had ever seen Nikki’s figure.  She had always been covered by oversized black tees or hoodies.  She definitely has the body of a dancer, and she’s not wearing glasses either!  She’s definitely attractive.  I’m sure Rhonda would have a field day shopping for her.

I texted her back asking how long she had been back, but Nikki didn’t get back to me for two hours.  By then, we were back at Phoebe’s house having pizza, watching chick flicks while we caught up on the week.  We talked about the usual things: Gerald, summer movies we wanted to see, Gerald, our summer reading list, Gerald, et cetera.  See what I’m getting at?  When my phone had gone off, I instantly grabbed it and read, “About two weeks, I had to take care of some things beforehand.”

I forgot I was with Phoebe and didn’t bother to hide my smile.  All this time, I thought she had been avoiding me, and maybe, she was.  She said she didn’t know what to say before, and I get that.  All she had to do was send me a pic and a few texts, and that’s all I needed to know.  She’s trying.

I put my phone down and looked back at Phoebe.  Criminy – I mean, shit – she probably saw me grinning like an idiot the whole time.  She definitely noticed the smile as well as the instant reaction at my phone going off…  That was evident by the fact she was lying on her stomach, face in hands, elbows on the bed, and her feet kicking.  She was beaming and as giddy as – well – a schoolgirl.  “Someone important?”

I groaned at her tone, knowing exactly what she was thinking.  “Not what you’re hoping, Phoebs.”

Phoebe frowned at that.  “Then what was all that about?”

I scowled as I looked back at my phone.  I never had a reason to outright tell Phoebe about Nikki until now, but it’s been two months.  It’s probably time to tell her.  I sighed as I handed her the phone and showed the texts and pic Nikki sent.  I really hope she won’t mind.  “I made a new friend at the beginning of April.”

Phoebe took the phone quickly from my hands when she saw the pic.  “She’s a ballerina?  I didn’t know you started doing ballet again, Helga!”  Phoebe looked right into my soul with sad eyes.  “Have I really been that blind lately?”

I wrapped one arm around her as I said, “Aw, Phoebs, it’s not like that.  Strangely enough, we met at the library.”  I told her about the lost book I ‘found’ and how I introduced myself to Nikki.  Even though it’s Phoebe, I don’t have the heart to be the one to tell her about Nikki seeing Dr. Bliss.  I told Phoebe about our days at the library, reading and discussing books.

"So that’s why you’re always late?”  I nodded, hoping she wouldn’t be mad at me for keeping the secret for so long.  I knew she wasn’t when she started beaming.  “Gerald’s been saying you’re seeing someone.”  She giggled.  “Well, technically, you _have_ been seeing someone, but you know what I mean.  I knew you would tell me if you had started to date anyone.”  Phoebe’s face scrunched for a minute in thought.  “Any reason why you didn’t tell me about Nikki?”

I shrugged.  “For a while, I wasn’t sure we were going to be anything but a two-person book club.  She seems kind of private, too.  We didn’t really talk about life outside the library until about three weeks ago.  We got kind of an in argument about some private stuff on her end…  Today was the first I’ve heard from her since then.  She’s been pretty busy.”  I don’t think she would want me to tell Phoebe about her ‘dissociation and lack of interest’.

Phoebe still beamed at me.  “I’m glad you’ve made a new friend.”  She hugged me after that.  “It shows how far you’ve come along.”

I snorted.  You have no idea, Phoebs.  “But you’re always going to be my best friend.”

Phoebe smiled at me.  “I know.”  We went right back to watching the chick flick and eating pizza.

 

The next day, the four of us are sitting in a diner getting food before we go to see the new _Evil Twin_ film, whichever number this is.  I got a burger and fries as usual, and I almost spit out my food when Phoebe blurted out and even _sang,_ “Helga made a new friend.”

“ _Phoebe_ ,” I whispered.

Gerald laughed and looked at Arnold and Phoebe.  “I _told_ you!”

I groaned, but Phoebe giggled.  “Sorry, Helga.”  She turned to her boyfriend and said, “No, Gerald, her new friend isn’t a boy.”

Gerald’s jaw dropped before he shut it and leaned back in his seat, crossing his arms in defeat.  “Oh, I was so sure that –”

Arnold was beaming now.  “Drop it, Gerald.  You _can_ actually be wrong.”  I felt my jaw drop to the floor as I watched Gerald do the same.  Football Head being snappy?  That’s new.  He turned to me and continued as soon as I pulled myself together.  He was still smiling.  I still don’t know how he smiles so much.  “What’s her name, Helga?”

Helga wished she had told Phoebe to keep this between themselves.  She didn’t want Gerald, Arnold, or anyone else for that matter to know where her usual hangout was, and Nikki was a private person to begin with.  At least, she is from what I can see.  “Well, I was kind of hoping to not bring that up.  She’s really private…”

Arnold looked like his heart sank, shoulders slumping.  “Oh, that’s fine, Helga.  I guess we can’t blame you.”

Gerald nodded.  “Yeah, if she doesn’t like people, that’s her business.”  He ate a fry, scrunching his brow as he thought about it more.  “She’s welcome to join us anytime though.”

I smiled, surprised.  That was usually Arnold’s job to invite people.  “Thanks, I’ll let her know.”  Arnold went right back to smiling after that.

 

Not even five minutes after Phoebe and Gerald started making out, Arnold leans over and whispers, “Are you gonna tell me any more about your friend?”

I scowled at him at the dark.  I know he can’t see it but still.  “If they’re making out and we’re not talking about the movie, then what’s the point in coming, really?”

He snorted, trying not to laugh aloud.  “That’s true, but…”  He paused, and I knew he wasn’t about to make some joke based off of his tone.  “We never really _talk_ , Helga.”

I stared at him.  “We talk all the time, Football Head.”

I watched him shake his head.  He took some popcorn from my bag as he said, “We always make observations and small talk.  We never talk like friends do, you know?”  He popped the corn into his mouth.  “We never talk about things like school, our games, what’s going on in our _lives._ ”

My mouth sat agape at that.  Arnold’s not on my shortlist of talking about personal things to.  I sighed, knowing that he’s right.  We’ve hung out for two years, but we were pretty much in close proximity.  It makes _sense_ for Arnold to be someone I talk to about – well – anything.  I doubt he’ll ever reach Phoebe’s or Nikki’s level of confidant, but he’s right.  We should be able to talk about _some_ things.  So, why don’t we?  Time for that to change, too, I guess.  Baby steps.  “Not while we’re watching a movie, Arnold.”  I took a huge handful of popcorn and shoved it in my mouth.  I don’t want to dig myself into a hole any deeper than I have already.

I couldn’t see him smile in the dark, but I felt his mood instantly change.  I’m pretty sure that if I could see him, he would be positively beaming.  We resumed discussing the movie after that, cheesy fake screams and all.

 

After we got out of the cinema and separated from Gerald and Phoebe, wherever they went off to, Arnold was walking me home as fucking _usual._ What _isn’t_ usual is for him to give me the third degree about _everything_ happening in my life.  “Do you like living with Olga?”  “Now that softball and school are over, what are you going to do with your free time?”  “Oh, you’ve already started on the summer reading list?  What are you reading?  I’m probably going to need your help on the essay…”  “What did you get in math this year?  … What?  Why didn’t you let me tutor you like I offered?  You could have gotten an ‘A’.”  It was like catching up with Dr. Bliss after three years.  Then again, that’s about how long it’s been since Football Head and I have had a conversation deeper than the surface.  Not long after that came the question I was expecting.  “So what’s your friend like?”

I sighed.  I hated having to repeat myself.  “Private.  She likes her space.”   I didn’t even bother looking at him as I realized I was almost home.  It was ridiculously tiring hearing all these questions.

“Oh, so you’re serious then?  You aren’t going to talk about her?”  I could see Arnold looking at me out of the corner of me eye.

“Yes, I’m serious.  I’d like to know how she would feel about me talking about her to people she doesn’t know.  She’s still kind of reserved about her life with me.  Imagine me talking to strangers about her.”  I saw Arnold nod as he looked defeated.  He just won’t give up.

Just as we were passing the _Sunset Arms,_ he stopped me by holding my arm.  “Hey, Helga, would you mind heading with me to the library today?  I want to check out some books from the summer reading list and see which one I want to read.”

Well, it was worth a shot.  “Sure, Arnoldo.”

He let go of my arm as he went to go unlock the door.  He let out one lone cat now.  The other animals had all passed, even Abner, and Phil refused to get more.  He stepped inside, and I stood awkwardly out on the sidewalk as he held the door open.  “Well, aren’t you coming in?  I need to grab some stuff.”

“Oh, yeah, sure.”  I walked up the stoop and into the doorway.  I haven’t really been inside the boarding house for a while, but it hasn’t changed at all.

“Is that you, Shortman?”  Phil greeted them as he walked out of the kitchen.  “Oh, look who it is!  That pigtailed girl from down the street.”  He groaned as he added, “But you don’t wear pigtails anymore.”

Arnold laughed.  “Yeah, Grandpa, Helga and I are headed to the library so I can get some books for my summer reading list.”  He was already halfway up the stairs before he finished.

Awkwardly standing there, we could hear Arnold open and close his door.  Phil squinted his eyes at me at the sound.  “So, Helga, are you two _really_ going to the library or do Arnold and I need to have a talk?  Man to man.”  He was holding a spatula in my face after that.

Jesus Christ, it’s so hard not to laugh here and now.  “We’re really going to the library, Phil.”

Phil nodded and gave me a huge smile like nothing happened.  “Alright then, pigtails, have fun.”  He went right back to the kitchen after that.  I shook my head.  I started wondering where the boarders and Grandma were, but Arnold had already come downstairs with his backpack as I realized it was a Sunday.  Most people were enjoying the nice day, and Grandma, whose name I still didn’t know and refuse to call Pookie, was off doing her normal shenanigans.  The woman can move for eighty-something.

“Sorry about that.”  He opened the door and let me go out first.  “I heard Grandpa’s voice.”  He looked at me as we continued towards the library with a raised brow.  “I hope whatever he said wasn’t that awkward…  He can be a bit strange, but you already know that.”

Now that I was no longer around Phil, I laughed.  “Nope, it was perfectly normal.”

Arnold stared at me, confused.  “Really?  What did he say?”  I couldn’t hold it in anymore.  I finally stopped and leaned against a wall as I laughed and laughed at the situation.  Phil and Grandma are the best, and even though they still surprise me, I never feel completely awkward around them like I do my own parents.  I finally stopped laughing and looked up to see Arnold’s face, completely red.  I started laughing again, but harder than before.  “That bad, huh?”

I finally calmed myself down and said, “He wanted to know if we were really going to the library or if he needed to give you a talk.”  I put my hands up and made air quotation marks.  “‘Man to man.’”

Arnold put a palm over his face, but not until after I had seen it go a deeper shade of red.  “Oh my God.”  I burst out in laughter again after that.  He pulled his palm down his face as he looked at me.  Rather than wait for me to stop laughing, he headed towards the library.  I calmed myself down and ran after him. 


	8. I Keep Trying Not to Laugh.

Arnold was still red for a few minutes, and I keep trying not to laugh.  You know when you’re supposed to be quiet and all you can do is think of something hilarious?  That’s where I’m at right now. 

We searched for the books on our summer reading list, two of which I knew were checked out: _Pride and Prejudice_ and _Crime and Punishment._ You know that story.  I have a copy of _Crime and Punishment_ at home though, so I was just going to use that for my essay or _Pride and Prejudice_ if I liked it enough.  I didn’t tell Arnold about the latter book though.  I told him about the former and that was it.

“ _Pride and Prejudice_ isn’t here.”  Arnold was scanning the reading list as he was using the computer catalog.  He didn’t sound disappointed or happy about that fact.  He probably doesn’t even know what it’s about.  He wouldn’t know what pride and prejudice were if they hit him square in the face, in my opinion.  “ _Crime and Punishment_ is gone too…”  Okay, that time he sounded disappointed.

“What is it, Football Head?  Is that the one you wanted?”  I crossed my arms as I leaned against a stack.

Arnold shrugged.  “I looked up synopses on these books before coming to try to pick one I might actually find interesting.”

“But Gothic literature for the Golden Boy?  Really?”  I was shocked, but who knows?  Maybe he’s a closet admirer.

He shook his head as he smiled.  “It was probably the most interesting plot on this list, Helga.  You can’t blame me.”  He looked up the other titles, hoping to find one remotely interesting.  He sighed.  “All of the ones I considered reading are checked out, and there’s no way I could get myself to sit down and read _Wuthering Heights_ or _Jane Eyre._ ”

“And you were prepared to read _Pride and Prejudice_?”  I looked at the highlighted ones on his list, and sure enough, that title was one of them.

“I read the main male character is shy.  I feel like I could relate.”  He was typing in the other titles still in the library, clearly trying to figure out which one he would suck up and read.

I snorted at that.  “You?  Shy?”

He turned around and looked at me with a raised brow.  “What?  You don’t think so?”

I shook my head with certainty.  “You’re outgoing when you feel like you have to be.”

He looked at me, and I could tell by that look he wasn’t sure how to respond.  Instead, he just turned around back to the computer.  “Yeah, well, I read that Mr. Darcy is the same way.”

I pondered it over.  I’ve barely made it halfway through the book myself.  He’s certainly either proud or too shy for his own damned good.  Arnold has a point though.  “But he could also be taken as extremely proud.  It’s a matter of perspective.”

Arnold turned around with a knowing smile.  “Helga, have you read the book?”

Shit.  “Uh, no, what makes you think that?  Maybe I just did research earlier.”  Arnold nodded his head in mock understanding.  I sighed as I pulled the book out of my purse.  I stuck my tongue out at him.  “Alright, fine.  I’m only halfway through though.”

He looked down at the book and back up to meet my eyes.  “You checked it out?”

I shrugged.  “My friend recommended it to me before we got our list.  I’m pretty sure our Lit teacher next year is a romantic.”  I opened it up to start nonchalantly read it.

He crossed his arms, smiling at me.  “So if you’re reading that, then why are you doing a paper on _Crime and Punishment_?”  Oh, he definitely knows.

I shut my book at that.  “I don’t know which one I want to pick yet.”  He nodded, still smiling, and I sighed.

He cleared his searches on the computer after he had already taken a piece of paper to write the call numbers down for other books.  “Do you have _Crime and Punishment_ checked out, too?”

I shook my head with a smile.  “Nope, my friend does.”

Arnold sighed that time.  “That’s a shame.  I was hoping to get my hands on an interesting book this year.  Don’t we have to read at least two?”  I completely forgot about that.  Last summer and the summer before that, we only had to read one.

“Yeah.”  I put my book back in the bag.  I took a deep breath, deciding to be the bigger person here.  “I’ll tell you what, Arnold.  I’ll let you borrow _my_ copy of _Crime and Punishment_ while I finish this book, and I’ll bring you to the library with me so that you can check out _Pride and Prejudice_ when I bring it back.  Sound fair?”

Arnold just stared at me.  “You’d do that, Helga?”

I shrugged as we stood awkwardly in the classic literature section.  “What are friends for, right?”

He smiled at that.  “Yeah.”  He rubbed his left hand across the nape of his neck.  “Would you mind if we swung by your house so I can borrow it today?  I’d like to get somewhat of a head start this year.”

I chuckled.  “Sure, Football Head.”  We made our way out of the library and down the street to my house.  That’s what I loved the most about Olga’s house: it wasn’t far from the library.  Dr. Bliss’ office and Slausen’s were a different story.

Arnold waited for me in the living room as I went upstairs to grab the book, checking to see if I had a bookmark in it before bringing it downstairs.  Olga must be out with Brett today.  He probably has the day off.  I handed it to Arnold and said, “Read up, Football Head.  It’s quality literature.”

Arnold put the book in his bag as he thanked me.  He just kind of awkwardly stood there, and I was just waiting for him to leave so I could watch Netflix.  I know I shouldn’t be watching it, but _It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia_ is my go-to binge right now.  “Did you have something else to say, Arnoldo?”

“What?”  I guess that’s when he realized I was waiting for him to leave.  “Actually, Helga, I don’t really want to go home yet.  It’s always busy and noisy.  Would you want to head back to the library?  I’m probably going there to read.”

I chuckled at that.  My secret hiding place and he has no idea that it’s the library.  “Actually, I was probably going to watch Netflix.  I need a break from reading.”

“Oh.”  Arnold nodded as he looked around awkwardly.  What’s his deal?  “I guess I’ll see you Thursday, then?”

“As always,” I said bending my elbow and pumping my hand up with enthusiasm.  “See you then, Football Head.”

He smiled.  “Bye, Helga.”  He walked down the stoop, and I shut the door behind him, locking it after I made sure he wouldn’t come back in case he forgot something.  He’s done it before.

I shook my head as I thought about it, smiling.  He probably won’t even go to the library by himself.  He’s known to go home and play League of Legends with Gerald, putting off literature homework as much as possible.  Math and science were subjects he could do in a snap, but not all of us are that lucky.  My smile went away as I realized why he was probably asking me to go with him.  He definitely won’t read at home, and even if he tried to read anywhere, he has to be put back on track every so often.  Usually, that’s my job when Phoebe, Gerald, Arnold and I would _try_ to do homework together.

I pinched my nose and closed my eyes in frustration.  Damn it all.  I grabbed my phone from my pocket and texted Arnold.  “How about tomorrow sometime instead?  I know you won’t read the book otherwise.  :P”

Almost immediately, Arnold texted back.  “You know me too well.  >.>  Tomorrow it is.  Let me know when you’re headed that way.”  I chuckled as I made my way upstairs and turned on my laptop.


	9. Tomorrow It Is.

While I was getting ready to go to the library the next day, Nikki texted me.  I groaned, hoping to God today of all days was not when she wanted to meet up.  “Hey, so would you be up for meeting Thursdays?  I have a friend in town for the summer, and I don’t know how much more often I can meet up.”  God is real, apparently.

“Yeah, I’m actually working on my reading list with a guy from school at the library…  So don’t just randomly show up lol.  He doesn’t know it’s my hiding spot.”  I put my books in my bag as I walked downstairs.

“Gotcha.  A guy, you say?  ;)”

I groaned as I rolled my eyes, trying to find my keys.  Once I found them, I replied, “A guy friend I’ve known since preschool, and no, it’s not like that.  I’m meeting him now, actually.”  I locked the door to the house as I made my way down the sidewalk towards the library, shooting another text before Nikki could reply.  “And what about your friend?  A he, perhaps?  ;)”

“LOL, not with her looks.”  I laughed aloud at that.

“I’ll text you later.  Gotta go.”

“Okay.  See ya soon!”  I shook my head, wondering who this friend was.  I’m hoping she’s one of the friends Nikki mentioned at the coffee shop.

I opened up my messages with Arnold and told him I was on the way to the library.  He said he would meet me in twenty.  “Make that in minutes, Football Head.  The library closes at 8 PM.”

 

We read most of the day, until dinnertime actually.  I had to keep him on track as usual, but it wasn’t so bad.  I thought he would try to be more talkative, and I found it difficult to just immerse into the story.  We didn’t sit in my usual corner, because I wasn’t about to show him that.  Where we did sit was pretty loud compared to what I’m used to.  I placed my bookmark and started to pack my stuff to leave.  “I gotta go, Football Head.  Olga’s probably waiting on me for dinnertime.”

He looked at the time.  “Oh, yeah, Grandpa’s probably wondering why I haven’t come home yet.” I watched him dog-ear the page he was on and close the book.  I stared at him in shock and glared at him.  He didn’t notice until he had grabbed his bag and started walking away.  “Helga?  What is it?”

“Did you just dog-ear the page?”  I never let my glare down.

He didn’t even notice.  “Oh, God!  I’m sorry.  I do it all the time.  I wasn’t thinking.  I’ll put a bookmark in it when I get home.”  I scowled as we started to walk out the door.  “Thanks for reading with me today, Helga.  Not usually what I consider fun, but it’s not so bad.”

I snorted.  “Well, _I_ like it.”  He just smiled at me after that.  After we walked out of the library, I expected him to walk in the other direction and was ready to say goodbye, but he turned to walk next to me.  “What are you doing, Football Head?”

He shrugged.  “I’m walking you home.  Like always.”  He smiled.

I sighed.  “You’re going to walk me home if I argue with you or not, aren’t you?”  He nodded as his smile grew wider.  “Alright then, let’s go.  I’m famished.”

“ _Famished_?”  Arnold was chuckling at that.

“Well, excuse me for reading early nineteenth century British literature for hours and having a vocabulary broader than the visible spectrum.”  I kept walking, not even looking at him.

Arnold was laughing.  “Did you just use a metaphor with a science term?  And accurately at that?”

Now that made me stop in my tracks.  Holy shit.  “I totally did.”  I held my chin up high in mock snobbery after that and continued walking.  “I’m not completely useless, you know.”

Arnold’s laughter died down into a chuckle once more.  “You’re not useless at all, Helga.”  That made me genuinely smile.  I felt my heart flutter a little, too.  Nine-year-old Helga, at it again.

Arnold and I agreed to meet at the library on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for now since Phoebe and Gerald were together _constantly_ and the library would be less crowded on weekdays.  Plus, I was busy on the weekends, and Tuesdays and Thursdays were meant for Phoebe, Thursday evenings with Nikki, and Thursday night with Phoebe, Gerald, and Arnold again.  At least I won’t get bored this summer.

           

When I was walking back downstairs for dinner, my phone buzzed, and I thought Phoebe or Nikki had texted me.  Nope, it was actually Arnold, and it made my absolute day, not in the way you expect.  “I forgot to tell you that Grandpa gave me the talk last night when I got home.”

I chuckled pretty hard at that.  “Did you actually forget, Football Head, or were you too embarrassed to say it to my face?”

I reached the dinner table, ready to see what it is Olga tried to make tonight.  She’s a decent cook, but whenever she tries to make something different, it usually take a few tries before it tastes good.  Thankfully, she’s just made lasagna, garlic bread, soup, and salad.  It’s one of my favorite meals, if not my favorite, that she makes, and I’ve let her know as much a few times. She always makes enough for me to eat on for a few days for lunch while she’s at work, and I almost can’t wait until she makes another batch by the time it’s all gone.

I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, but one of the rules Olga has about dinner is that we aren’t allowed to have our phones out when we eat together.  I loathed it at first, because dinner with Olga was just as awkward as it is with Bob or Miriam.  It’s not so bad these days.  She tells me about teaching, Brett, and whatever did or didn’t happen that day, and I tell her about most of mine.

After I moved in with her, it didn’t take her very long to find my old poetry books from way back when.  I threw out most of everything else when I moved, but a few mementos were hidden away in boxes somewhere.  I just never bothered to dig them out.  She came upon those books by accident, actually, thinking they belonged on my bookshelf with my classic literature collection.  I was livid at first, but she was very sincere when she apologized.

She’s asked me about Arnold a few times since I almost always mention him when I talk about my day with Phoebe or at school.  It’s kind of hard not to when he’s there almost all the time.  The first year or so after I moved in, she’d ask questions pertaining to my ‘crush’ on him and if I thought how to tell him.  She stopped asking after I adamantly expressed my lack of interest, that those feelings once harbored are no longer within.

Olga’s been there for me since we found out Miriam and Bob were getting a divorce.  The last thing they fought about in court was who would get custody of me.  I was holding out for Bob, honestly, because I wasn’t sure Miriam would ever sober up enough to hold a job.  I was shocked when I found out Olga had put in a file for custody.  The judge, after hardly any consideration, agreed wholeheartedly with the decision to put me in her care since it was ‘clear that neither parent is fit to raise this child on his or her own’.  Bob and Miriam were angry at first, but since it was Olga, things smoothed over pretty quickly.

Every other Sunday night, Bob comes over for dinner, and Miriam comes over on the Sundays he doesn’t.  Miriam _did_ actually sober up and is working as a loan management employee for some nonprofit housing company in Seattle.  Turns out, she still knows stuff from that financing degree she has.  Bob, on the other hand, is no longer in the beeper biz and cell phones are too monopolized by corporations, so he’s in real estate these days.  He’s actually decent at it from what I can see.

Even though neither of them were great parents nor, dare I say it, good parents, I think getting away from each other has helped tremendously.  At first, I thought I was the problem they were having, but Olga reassured me, saying that their problems were much deeper than that and have been around longer than the both of us.

Later, when Olga was ready to tell me, I found out that the only reason she wanted everything to be perfect was due to Bob and Miriam. I had always thought they wanted perfection from me only because Olga had achieved it.  Instead, Olga said she was also pressured to be perfect at anything and everything she tried, and she apologized profusely for succeeding at it, saying it only made it worse for me when I was born.  I had honestly never thought of it that way, that Olga had been pressured into perfection.  She even admitted that her want for perfection in other aspects of her life stemmed from her own high expectations.  After that conversation, I never gave Olga any crap about it again.

That happened around the same time she met Brett actually.  She was seeing a therapist at a local hospital, which I didn’t know at the time, and bumped into him on the way out, spilling his coffee all over him.  She apologized, saying she’d pay for the laundering, but the big dork said, ‘I’ll worry about that, but you can let me take you out instead sometime?  Obviously, we’ll stay away from coffee.’  They’ve been together ever since, the big nerds, but I’m so happy for her, really.  I think he’s great for her.  Naturally, she had to tell me she was seeing a therapist in order to explain why she was at the hospital in the first place.  I don’t know why she never mentioned it before.  She knows I see Dr. Bliss, but I think she didn’t want me to see my big sister broken, which is not how I see it at all.

Dinner was pleasant and delicious as always, and I started to head upstairs to read or watch Netflix after I helped Olga clean up.  I haven’t decided which yet.  I grabbed my phone from my pocket, seeing Arnold had texted me back.  “Mainly, I was too embarrassed.”

I snorted at that.  “Then why tell me, Arnoldo?”  Goofball.

I had already gotten my laptop out to read some fan fiction when I got another text.  Don’t judge me.  “I thought I’d let you know Grandpa humiliated me enough for at least a week, so I’d appreciate you holding off on torturing me until Sunday.”

I shook my head.  “It doesn’t work like that.  :P”  Nerd.

Trying to decide between Harry Potter and Game of Thrones, I felt another buzz.  “Whatever you say, Helga.  It was worth a shot.”  I didn’t bother texting him back after that.

 

Phoebe and I hung out the next day _without_ Gerald and Arnold, surprisingly, probably because she had a date planned with Gerald.  We did our usual spiel: films, books, junk food, et cetera.  Arnold and I went back to the library on Wednesday and read together, which wasn’t that exciting really.  We sat at the same table as last time, so I didn’t get a whole lot of reading done due to the noise level.  I’m almost tempted to tell him about my secret spot so I can read in fucking peace.

I texted Nikki that night asking if we could meet up at the coffee shop again at the same time we always have before.  She asked me if we could go to a different one, and when I asked why, “Never mind.  It’s a dumb reason.  Let’s just go to the one near the library.”

Phoebe and I hung out before I was supposed to meet Nikki.  I told her that Nikki and I would be meeting on Thursday afternoons before our usual ice cream night at Slausen’s, and Phoebe was perfectly okay with that.  Around the time Phoebe and I were having lunch though, she changed her mind.  “Do you think I could come with you today to meet Nikki, Helga?  She sounds really nice from what you’ve told me so far.”

I shook my head.  “Phoebe, I hardly know anything about her.  She likes literature.  She was homeschooled last year and plans to go back to her private school next, and she likes to drink her coffee black.  I don’t even know her last name or what she does when she’s not reading, dancing, or studying.”

Phoebe smiled.  “That’s okay, Helga.  Maybe some other time.”

I nodded.  “I’ll ask her if you can come next week though.  She said she has a friend in town for the summer, so maybe she could bring her, too.”

Phoebe beamed at my reply.  “I’d love that, Helga.  Thank you.”

Instead, she made dinner plans with Gerald, and we parted ways as I headed to the coffee shop.  I waited outside for Nikki again.  I haven’t seen her in person since we argued, but we have texted a lot in the last week.  I know she’s not bitter about anything, and we’ve talked about it a little.  She told me she wasn’t sure how to go about reconnecting with old friends and getting back into the groove of dancing and other things.  I know she started dancing again, and I know she reconnected with at least one friend. She also told me more about it all the last couple of days, saying that Ophelie is one of the friends she pushed away that she was once close to.  She even said she wasn’t sure how to go back and reconnect with other friends though, relaying that she thinks they might not be so forgiving.  As for other activities that I can’t name, she said she needed time to get her schedule worked out before she could do those other things.

My jaw dropped when Nikki finally showed up.  Her hair was down and wavy instead of braided.  I had no idea that her hair was that long, reaching her waist.  She wasn’t even wearing her glasses, but her eyes seemed brighter because of it.  She had traded in her messenger bag for a shoulder strap purse, and she was wearing black flats and a dark blue, sleeveless, knee-length dress with a seam around the waist.  It was neither form-fitting nor oversized, not showing too much but not tacky either.  I’m kind of glad to know that even when she’s not wearing casual clothing, she’s modest. 


End file.
